Andy and I are incredibly busy people. That probably isn’t news to any of you considering our last post was a month ago!
Andy runs his own business, which means he never stops working.
I am in full-time school on top of my regular day job on top of my freelance writing.
Both of us are kind of too busy to put in the effort to find other people to join us.
We really, really want to have fun with other people and other couples but our time to find these wonderful people is just lacking. We don’t want to involve our friends in our sex life (if that’s something you want, that’s cool but it just isn’t for us). We don’t even have close friends that are in any kind of open relationship, which means our immediate community is a “dead-end” for our search. Anyone who knows about our openness just isn’t into the same thing. Totally fine, but not super great for our quest to find people to join us.
Thankfully for us, the Internet exists. It doesn’t just exist, but it has evolved to cater to a less monogamous lifestyle. For us, that means finding another couple, finding another woman or finding a group. As a couple, wherever you live and whatever you’re looking for, there is a way to find groups, couples, or local horny women for no strings sex.
The problem is that we are pretty new to this. Our first time inviting someone into our sex life was over a year ago, and we just haven’t had much luck since. It’s not that nothing has happened, things just haven’t happened very often.
This post is about our efforts. It isn’t a big post about all the fun stuff we’ve done with other people (sorry!). Instead, we’re going to talk to you about what it has really been like for us to find people to join our two-some. Why? Cuz while hearing sexy stories is always fun… there’s something kind of nice about knowing you’re not alone when it doesn’t quite work out how you want it to work out.
At least we think so! Here are a few of the things that have gone wrong for us… so that hopefully they don’t go wrong for you.
1. Recognizing People
Many of the more popular dating apps that are catered to singles or couples don’t have a “hide the people you might know” option. They really need to make it an option that your friends or friends’ friends can’t see you. There are some apps where you pay for a service to hide your profile unless you like/swipe someone. It isn’t available as an option an all of the apps, but also, why would we pay for a service when we haven’t been able to really try out the app?
Well, there have been a few incidents where a person we know pops up on the app. Sometimes they are a vanilla person that showed up in the wrong category. Our city is big, but it ain’t that big. When this happens, we assess the situation to see if we need to put our app on “pause” for a little while or not. Usually we just keep going… but it definitely makes us think. Again, we personally don’t want to include anyone we know – but if that’s something you want, then this totally wouldn’t be a problem for you.
2. People Recognizing the Apps
Alternatively, we’ve had some of our in-person friends either recognize or question what some of our apps are. Namely, one of our siblings. When you’re getting married, a Tinder (or similar) app can be a bit off-putting for people who don’t know you’re open. We’ve since learned to hide them in folders.
3. Just One Person
We’ve found that “couple” profiles with photos of only one person are a bit sketchy. At first, we avoided them because we wondered whether the partner was aware of the profile or not. Then, we decided to like/swipe some of these profiles. Basically, our initial instincts were correct. We found that if there were only photos of one person, the conversation would end up with: “Ya, I just have to check if my partner would be down for something like this.” Like… what? Don’t put a hookup profile on a site if your partner doesn’t even know about it. Just no.
4. No Faces
Sometimes we will like/swipe on a couple that has their face hidden in pictures. We totally understand that anonymity is important (check #1 for why). We choose to show our faces on most profiles, but we respect when people don’t. However, at some point there needs to be a photo sent. We’re not up for going across the city to meet up with a couple that won’t even show us what they look like. If we’ve been messaging for a while… send a picture.
5. Getting off on Sexting
There have been many, many moments online that we think something is going to happen and then people disappear for the night, only to reappear the next morning. For example, a few weeks ago there was this one couple that indicated they were down for same-room sex, swapping, voyeur or MFMF. We started chatting, and we were getting to know more about them. They started sending us photos of themselves in explicit positions. We exchanged general information about what part of the city we lived in. We even discussed what we all might be up for that night. Like, that specific night. We had basically said everything except: “Send us your address, we’re heading over”… and they disappeared.
Fine, we totally understand couples realizing that they don’t want to follow through with something. We totally respect that… but then they tried messaging us the next night with the same ideas and proceeded to disappear again.
If you want to get off on sexting, that’s totally cool. However, that isn’t what we’re looking for. Be up front about your desire to only sext.
6. Wanting to Date
We don’t want to “get to know” people and see if our vibe mixes. We really are just looking for “no strings” sex. Obviously, if we show up and someone isn’t feeling the vibe, we would walk away or respect the other person’s decision to walk away. However, there are people who want to go for copious amounts of double dates before anything happens. We’re just not that interested. We’re not online to date another couple, we’re online for a specific reason. Some people mention the dating thing in their profiles, which we TOTALLY love because we won’t like/swipe their profiles. Some people will be so close to exchanging addresses and then drop the: “We need a few dates first.”
We want to discuss boundaries, consent and safe sex. We don’t want to hear about your work. I know that a lot of people might enjoy that, but we specifically don’t. Each to their own, but please indicate it!
7. Scheduling Issues
Sometimes the timing doesn’t work out and that kinda sucks. Everyone is on the same page but you’re just super busy. We totally get this, because we’re often the people saying “no” to a suggested night. However, we respond with a few different options. We never just leave it as “no.” Some people do this. Some people will be vague with their schedule or just tell you what doesn’t work instead of suggesting something that does work. We don’t want to chase you for two months. Send some suggestions so we can plan something. Life gets busy, sex often needs to be scheduled.
It isn’t all horrible, we promise! We do have some excellent stories from our online sexcapades, but we’ll have to share them with you at another time.
We’ll leave you with a few tips though!
Things You Should Do:
1. Your profile photos should be whatever you are comfortable with. Once you start talking to someone, make sure to send evidence that you’re real.
2. Be up front about who you are and what you want.
3. Stick to dating sites and apps that cater to couples finding a third or a fourth or a fifth.
4. Never try to schedule group sex without your partner’s knowledge.
5. Suggest some nights that might work for you.
6. Don’t put too much pressure on the sites, make sure to keep it fun. If something isn’t working, then move on to the next thing.
7. Make sure you don’t forget about your partner while you’re on your search. Some of the best sex we’ve had was when an evening of group sex fell through.
How have your experiences been? Let us know because we want to hear what you love and hate about finding people to join your couple!
If you’re single looking for a couple, we want to hear about your experiences too!