“Is he masturbating?” I whispered to my partner, while trying to sit as still as possible in my theatre seat. The nod of his head confirmed my thoughts – the guy in the row behind me was staring at the back of my head and jerking off.
He could have very well been jacking off to the giant movie-screen porn that we were all pretending to watch. But, we knew it was to the back of my head. It didn’t have to be me, with my short boyish haircut– any woman would have done the trick. I say any woman, because she would have been the only female there.
Walking into Cinema l’Amour, the oldest movie hall of its kind in Montreal, we were greeted by a young female ticket seller. We must have looked slightly bewildered, as she proceeded to ask if it was our first time. Saying ‘yes’ gets you a quick tour of the grounds. Mondays and Tuesdays are free for couples, so our guide brought us to the mezzanine to show off the “private” rooms we can rent out if our libidos desired. Not knowing how long we would want to watch Beyond Fucked: A Zombie Odyssey, we opted for the free couples section on the main floor.
The couple’s section is roped off, and prior to stepping in – our guide let us know that no single person is allowed, unless they are invited (and then he winked, for real). There was no risk of us getting lucky with a third person that night – there were about 20 men scattered along the aisles with an average age of 65 and an average weight best described as ‘beer-belly’.
It was fitting that we were watching zombie porn with a room full of strangers, as the viewers seemed to mindlessly lurk towards us. The rows closest to the couple’s section quickly filled up, as if we had a gravitational pull around us. A few of the men decided that we were way more interesting than the killing scenes, the lesbian sex scenes, the forced BJ scenes and the actual zombie sex scenes. It could have been flattering, except it felt like we were waiting to be preyed on – with only a rope dividing us from the group.
We sat there for an hour, watching men walk up and down the aisles trying to catch a glimpse of couples in the mezzanine private rooms, hearing change jingle in pockets that were being stroked, plastic bags rustling over obvious boners and the occasional sounds of release. All while being stared at.
Then it changed. An older couple came to enjoy the show, and after deciding that we were cramping their style in the couple’s section, they moved to one of the public back rows. All the men followed them. Seriously, they all went for it – whether to try to be invited to the couple’s erotic evening or to watch as others tried.
We took this as an opportunity to leave the cinema, passing the ticket woman who seemed surprised we lasted a whole 90 minutes – a woman I have a newfound respect for (I bet she has some good stories).
While catching some air and deciding on our next location for the night, we watched the older couple walk by – not as a twosome, but as a threesome – they had come for some extra fun and found a winner for the evening.
We headed down St-Laurent Boulevard for a well-needed beer, giggling to ourselves knowingly and hoping to be that awesome when we’re older – Zombie porn threesomes on a Tuesday night. Because… why not?