I have a lot of feelings about the statement that something can ‘guarantee’ an orgasm.
Everyone is different. Everyone feels pleasure from different things. What turns you on might not turn me on. Even if it does turn me on, it might not make me orgasm.
If fact, a lot of stuff doesn’t make me orgasm, and I spent many years of my sexually-active life thinking I was broken because of it.
I used to think that the clitoris was the magic button for orgasms. Except, it really wasn’t my magic button. Yeah, it felt good – but it never really got beyond that. I didn’t know the G-Spot existed for so many years that I just kind of gave up on having an orgasm.
I had read enough magazine articles about how ‘not all women can orgasm’ and I had concluded that I was just one of those women. My friends were orgasming from PIV sex, oral sex… doing freakin’ situps for exercise… and I just wasn’t capable of having an orgasm.
I eventually had my first orgasm, but there was still a long road ahead of me to be able to have stress-free orgasms.
By thinking my body was broken for so long, I created this major stress in my mind about my own pleasure. It has improved over the years, but it is still something that I work on. I have found techniques to help reduce the stress but it still gets to me.
Sex toys are one of those things that created an amazing shift in my sex life with Andy because together we have discovered what works for me, and if I am feeling stressed, I know exactly which toys can overcome that. Many of our toy reviews mention orgasms, but I almost always mention that I required the help of a second toy to make it happen.
I have kind of ‘found the trick’ to my orgasms and anything different often doesn’t lead to an orgasm.
In order for me to orgasm, I need a lot of different things:
I need both clitoral and G-spot stimulation. This is a MUST. If this isn’t happening, I’m just not going to orgasm.
Recently, I find that the best mix is when Andy is in charge of my G-spot and I am in charge of my clitoris – whether that means with hands or toys. Andy has perfected the art of my G-spot.
I need to remind myself that Andy loves pleasuring me and he doesn’t care how long it takes. If he is giving me oral sex, I often need to ask him to take a break so that I can reduce my stress levels. By giving him a break, I feel less guilty that he needs to spend so much time down there. I ask him to take a break, I ask him if he is okay and he always responds “I love doing this so much” and my brain is relaxes enough for him to get back to it. Sometimes I give him more than one break.
I can’t be on a timeline. If there is something we need to do within the next 30 minutes, there is no way I am having an orgasm. My mind tells my body that there just isn’t enough time.
I can’t feel any pressure to orgasm. Andy can never say “I’m going to make you come for me” or any other typically hot variation of that. If he says that he’s expecting an orgasm, my brain doesn’t allow for one.
Recently, I need more and more dirty talk. I need him to tell me what he loves about my body and where he is going to cum on me later. I need him to tell me how many of his fingers are inside of me. I need him to tell me how good I feel around his penis. I need him to distract my brain with his words.
My bladder needs to be empty.
I need to be on my back and my legs need to be positioned in a certain way. My legs need to be free to move. If Andy pins one down by accident, I have to get him to move.
I need to be warm. This sounds a bit silly until you realize that we live in a cold city and our landlord controls the heat in our apartment (ie: sometimes there is not enough heat). We often have what we call ‘cozy’ sex which includes lots of blankets and socks.
If I am masturbating alone, I need to be watching porn or looking at naked photos of Andy. The more distractions the better.
My list of things that set me up for a successful orgasm is extensive, and definitely would never be found on a mainstream website. It might seem silly to some that my list is so long and so particular, but I spent so many years thinking I was broken. Some of my list is based on what my pleasure centres are (and the fact that I need dual stimulation), but much of my list focuses around my mental state.
My mind spent years convincing my body that not having an orgasm was okay. It spent years telling my body that my pleasure was secondary to someone else’s. It spent years telling my body that 40 minutes of oral sex was just too much to ask of someone. That using both their mouths and their fingers was kind of demanding. That I should just be able to orgasm from basic clit stimulation.
Since discovering what works for ME, and communicating all of these things with Andy – I am able to have many pleasurable orgasms. In fact, sometimes I even have multiple orgasms. Sometimes, I even have orgasms from PIV sex. Sometimes, I have multiple orgasms from PIV sex (which still baffles both of us because it is a fairly recent occurrence).
When a list on the internet that ‘guarantees’ orgasm claims things like ‘sending a sexy text’, ‘trying doggy style’ or ‘alternating your tongue’s movements on a clitoris’ are all going to BLOW HER MIND…. it hurts the people that this won’t work for.
What works for some might work for others, but often it won’t. The journey towards orgasms can be complex. My list might work for you, but it probably won’t and that is totally okay. My list isn’t to tell you tricks for YOU to orgasm, it is simply to show you how complex MY orgasms are and how impacted they are from the years of websites telling me that I’m doing it wrong. Websites are STILL telling me that I’m doing it wrong!
If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with orgasms – know that everyone is different and everyone enjoys different sensations and pleasures. It is also okay if you only orgasm a certain way or if you enjoy sex without orgasms. If you need someone to talk to, please send me an e-mail.
If you’re reading this and you write about orgasms – please do the world a favour and stop generalizing about your experiences. Talk about your experience for sure – the world needs to see a variety of orgasm and non-orgasm experiences. Just please don’t think you hold the key to other people’s pleasure.
Everyone is different and we need to start respecting that. My 16-year old self, my 19-year old self… hell – my 25-year old self needed that advice pretty badly.
Remember, the only thing that guarantees an orgasm is whatever guarantees YOUR orgasm.